Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Getting out of dodge tomorrow for the night.

There are rules in place for the freeloaders who we refused to take.
For Shailahzay, Tyler and Nessa,

See you Fish's on Thursday.

Day 1094.

It's unbelievable how your mind and body can remember a day that was purposeful, good or bad. For the last few days my subconscious knew this day was coming, because it comes every year and my subconscious knows that it was a mournful day even though it isn't any different than any other day without him.

I'm starting to forget things about him. Little things like his scent or his jokes and if his videos weren't all over YouTube, I'd forget his voice too. In three years I don't sleep with the light on anymore. I removed the TV from the room and slowly got rid of his clothes and shoes as I moved out of grief and into equanimity.

But I miss him every day.

Exactly the same as this time three years ago.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Dumb week ahead.

I go through phases where I am lonely and hope someone visits, but no one does or I want to sit in my house and suffer in silence and have no one visit, then everyone does. Last week was one of those weeks. I had intended to stay at home for the week and school in my pajamas all day, but it didn't happen that way. Everyone visited included the ones where when you see them at the door you ask in your head, why are you even here I haven't seen you for MONTHS?

This upcoming week is a busy one for everyone, especially my Mum who over committed herself to a cause that I'm not sure is going to benefit anyone but the hungry on Friday night. Quick trip to Auckland and back mid-week and I'll be very glad when it's Saturday.

Searched for something on YouTube to cheer me up tonight. I started with cats and cucumbers to drunk Russians fighting to Justins Biebers new album to NFL bad lip readings ending with Bindi Irwin dancing the Paso Doble.

It was a pretty fantastic paso doble I must say.

I'd love to wake up tomorrow and it be Saturday the 28th. It's a chips and salsa kinda night.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

You're a part of the rebel alliance and a traitor. Take her away!

On Monday the child poured powder all over the floor in her bedroom. When she walked out of the room, unaware that there was powder all over her hair and face, I asked what she'd been doing. She said Oh nothing and sat down on the couch like an innocent.

On Tuesday we were at The Parental's house and the child disappears down the hallway. She tells me she's washing her hands. 10 minutes later she's still washing her hands. I tell her that's enough time spent washing her hands and she runs out of the house and comes back 5 minutes later. I smell a scent on her and I know it's my Mum's lotion and I know it's the lotion she got only days earlier.

Have you been touching Nan's cream?
No. Not me.
I can smell it on you. Where is it?
I can't remember.

I make her sit on the couch for 20 minutes until she remembers. After 20 minutes of sobbing I asked her if she used up all Nan's cream.

Yes. Then I threw it in the rubbish at Ma's.
Is it all gone?
All of it?
Where did you use that much cream?
On the walls.

Wednesday. Sitting at home after a few hours of school. She tells me she's going into her bedroom to 'study'. She's never told me that before I didn't even know she knew what the word was. 10 minutes later she walks out of the room with cream in her hair and sits on the same couch and smiles back at me.

If I go into the room am I going to see a mess?
No. I did my study. There's no mess.
So if I get up right now and go into the room, I'm not going to see a mess?

No reply.
I get up and she follows me in. There on the dresser and the mirror are thick vitamin E lotion hand prints .. everywhere.

This morning. I get out of bed and walk into the kitchen. I grab her cereal from the fridge and get milk. It was a new box of milo cereal, we snuck it into Nan's trolley yesterday. I rip open the top and turn to throw something in the trash.
I scream and drop an F-Bomb.

Need Jesus and it's not even Friday.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015


Did you know Jonah Lomu originally played openside? Whoever talked him into moving to the wing made the best choice possible for his career. He died this morning in Auckland, unexpectedly. He had just got back last night after spending the last few months in the UK at the world cup. How unfortunate.

He spoke at a fireside early in the year here. I didn't go to it because it was too early in the morning. No regrets. He had kidney failure, a disease that sparks something deep in me. When Larry was diagnosed with renal failure he was told it was the nicest way to die. We weren't told it was an insufferable way to live.

Happy that Lomu's years of suffering is over.  He'd been sick for 20 years.

Thinking of his wife Nadene and the Quirk 'Aiga.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

One Year.

Jazzy left us a year ago today. I've been waiting a year to do this. I tried it this morning, but the 17th hadn't rolled over in MST. I tried again tonight after visiting her grave this evening to check the lights my Dad put on her grave earlier were going. She's lit up like a Christmas tree and I sent him a text to let him know. He was going to stop by on his way home from work at 1am.

The year went fast, but this is something that has been on my mind since the night I saw her in the morgue.

Almost there Jazzy!
PS. Cleeshay's still waiting for her lolly-pop.

Basketball Tuesdays.

Tuesdays are the longest day of my week. Today dragged on and I didn't even care that in the final quarter she took off her shoes 'because Mataio had no shoes on and I felt sorry for him'. Mataio had no shoes on by choice. There's a reason you wear shoes and the reason was proven when she ran into a fence and sliced the skin on top of her toe on a fence this afternoon at Ngawi's house.

Why can't children just listen?

The Little Stars Basketball team won their game today against Aunty Rhan's team. Hubs get's confused after each quarter when they switch ends. She ran all the way back to the other teams try line basketball hoop (?) only to be told she was going the wrong way. Shaily muttered cabbage from the bleachers. I thought it.

Monday, November 16, 2015

My Hubs.

You forget how delicious they were.
She still is.

Week 47: Mess

Lazy teenagers.

Saturday, November 14, 2015


They said kawakawa had to be searched for in Hawkes Bay. They said it was only at a certain place and a blessing had to be said before you enter that place. I found it growing wild and a-plenty closer than where they said and I didn't pray for it. The first picture is a dead give away, but I'm still not naming where lest the Maoris go raid the place.

A month ago I went searching after someone tipped me off to the place. It was looking at me as soon as I descended the track it was off of. My Mum kept telling me to go back and get her some because she wants to make balms and lotions for the body and dry rubs for meat. We returned today and it's all over the place. You'd have to be moronical not to see it.

It's literally everywhere.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Repurposing canvas.

An earthquake, a few weeks ago, rocked a mirror that hangs on the wall at the head of my bed so much it came off at one end. Looking up at it from bed one night I imagined it falling on our heads in the middle of the night and killing us.

A $17 canvas I got from Bed, Bath and Beyond solely for the size of it also got jolted during the quake and I thought to remove the mirror and replace it with the canvas (softer fall), but I didn't like the original picture, which was of ponga shoots.

Inspired by the Aikido episode of The Walking Dead during the week, I had an idea.

I knew those portions plates from Sister would come in handy one day.

Mum, Tyler & Edge.

Now we won't be killed in the middle of the night by a falling mirror during an earthquake .. just maimed.